*----------*

wow. its been a while since i last wrote here. i've been through a lot for the last 2 years. so the updates are - yuki has a new job i resigned from my old job got a new job and i lost someone i loved... all i could think of are the happy memories. sometimes the bad times would pass by but i don't feel any regrets. they were there for a purpose. how i miss him.. how i miss him..

*----------*

After everything we’ve been through and the life changing experiences we have, we still think that we’re the ones who made the choices that leave us where we are now. When we look in the mirror, sometimes we see things we don’t like to see (even if they’re invisible). Our blood carries the sins of our forefathers, our ancestors… deadly habits, unspeakable words, remorseless actions.. all stamped with one unmistakable word.. GUILT. And it’s a sad occurrence that the past repeats itself over and over through generations, passed along the milk each babe sucks. We can rebel against this invisible burden. But it only seeks its way to perpetuate itself. Cycle by cycle, this burden creates numerous hybrids carrying that one simple strain. We can die trying to get rid of this virus. Or die accepting it. Even though we hate those invisible symptoms of death with a passion. Sometimes we embody it. It’s poison has gone so deep in the system in our own human body that we can become sin incarnate. Cut off the part that has it. But if it has spread too far, there’s no choice but to kill oneself than to risk infecting another. Yet we still fulfill its purpose… death.

*----------*

things are no longer in my hands. i am only moving as the flute song is being played. i really like --- but i can't do anything about it. I do.. I do..

*----------*

will start working soon. i have mixed emotions about that. but at least ill be in the company of friends (i hope). its better than being locked up in a room without a view.
sparrows and princes really don't mix. the sparrow felt a tiny prick in it's little heart. as the season changes, the sparrow must migrate to other lands, forget the prince, and live like other sparrows. this particular stupid sparrow is already feeling the pain of its choices -staying and remembering. sigh, little sparrow. it's better that you're alive and well than waiting for the winter snow to cover your body.

*----------*

i thought it was my choice
it wasn't..
i have to accept
fate

*----------*

PGSM is becoming more exciting!! The story of the past lives of Usagi and Mamuro is about to be revealed!
//others ~ Maybe the wheel of fortune is turning again. Even though you think you are so down. You'll discover soon that you are on top again.

*----------*

do i tell -- or not.
im not even sure myself
but i want to know
it's saddening to look at the past with regrets
i want to know
but should i wait for the wind to blow in the right direction?
or should i face it with courage
im not so sure of me
but i want to be with --

*----------*

that part of me that was so scared of everything. that part of me that didn't want to care. that part that wanted to hide. kept on reappearing. and then i saw an image of a star. and it reminded me of a long forgotten emotion. a long forgotten moment. a distant reality. i am not a mask. i have substance. i wasn't afraid of someone else. i was afraid of me. because fear was in me. but even as it exists, my choice is to not listen to it. a shadow warrior. created by my past. now, all i know, is i feel differently because of my choice.

*----------*

worse is beginning to get more worse. this strange sense of peace often comes when i think the worst is about to happen. a strange acceptance of inevitable fate. whatever the outcome it has and will always work out for the best. =/ but my resolution is weakening. i had asked for help because i couldn't stand being alone anymore in this prison.

*----------*

fict... He's sick.. He has a fever. It's swollen. It's inflamed. There's so much blood. There's a great stench. His strength is depleting. I have to be the strong one. He gets angry when I remind him of what he should do. I feel ill. She keeps on reminding me of my duties. And stresses our situation. I can see it. I don't want to hear it over and over again. I get depressed very easily. But I have my duties. And I have no choice but to obey or to lose my identity. I can't cry to show my weakness, but I still do. I can't frown to show my hurt feelings. I can't shout to release my anger. I have to quickly give up these emotions.
I understand them. They were only reacting to a stressful situation. Maybe I understand them too much.. knowing their weaknesses... the situation is forcing me to be more tough.

Doing.. Redoing..
I'm fixing my room. Currently, I'm replacing the photo frames with little angels for the copper plated and silver plated ones. Changing my textbooks for my book collection in my book case. Packing away my old clothes. Creating my own kikay corner. haha. Maybe I could create a before and after photo album. Oh well.

*----------*

The important thing is not for others to know you... but to know yourself. Know the kind of road you are traveling.

*----------*

before a new life begins there has to be a kind of destruction... I'm the one that I can't trust. I don't know if I should hold on or just let it be. If I hold on.. will it be on a fantasy or the truth? If I let go.. am I willing to let go on a chance of happiness? =/
i don't feel well. something's leaving me. i don't want to live on a fantasy. waiting is death.

*----------*

Wehehehehe! ^__^ off to see tokyo.. wehehehe. ^_^

*----------*

we're quite happy right now. we have just "adopted" 3 boys. haha! actually, my cousins are staying with us. they're so cute! ^___^ it's really nice to have some young ones over at the house. it creates such a happy atmosphere.

what can i say? i just miss certain people. i know it's still my choice... to choose to see them. but for once ... i want them to choose to see me. =( especially....

stomach hurts. bad egg shake. uggh. feel awful.

*----------*

eet horts
//a circle can't fit in the small space in a one dimensional world especially if the circle's too big to fit in the small square.
//_ __ once again the plain sparrow that fell in love with a prince. Sparrows having such small brains do not realize that princes fall in love with princesses and not with sparrows. Alas, such sparrow must live their days singing such sweet songs in the courtyard of the prince. Seemingly content on the occasional smiles and sighs of the beloved.
//rain.. rain cries out. it was crying when love was born. and it was crying when love died.

*----------*

overheard
//my cousins thought they were coming over tomorrow. but they're not arriving until saturday. and i was told that they were so excited. it's their first time to be in this metro. i think their place is much more beautiful than ours but i should try to do my part to show them how our lives work here. i'm really excited!
//i'm not sure if i was the one that girl called masungit, suplada, maarte... but there were some things they talked about pertaining to me.. =( i'm not any of those things. i may be SUPER shy which could be mistaken for snobbishness.. but i'm definitely not masungit or maarte.. =(

*----------*

the good and the good..
//Currently, I'm hearing the birds (maya) chirping. and the roosters crowing. and it's lunchtime now. I guess they're hungry. @_@ They're quite a bit noisy but the sounds kinda sooth me. A little comfort that city life isn't all about honking cars and "noisy lights" @_@.
//I'm making it a habit to concentrate on the good things in life. It always entails for me to stop criticizing other people. It's part of my "stop-being-a-snob-and-start-making-friends" propaganda. hehe.
others
//My auntie and her family would be staying over for two weeks i think. The plan was to go to Baguio and Boracay but I might not be able to join them. =( It's supposed to be rainy season but we only have rain showers maybe once a week. (I miss rainy days). Anyway, I'll be able to meet my two younger boy cousins who were cute little toddlers when I last saw them. They're also bringing my other big bullying cousin with them. The sad thing is that I won't be able to bond with them. =( I miss going out with people my age. *sigh*
//It was my first time to vote yesterday. My parents were "too supportive" to a point that they kept on repeating my name to those in charge. =_='' (ah basta it was weird)
still others...
//Vic was sobrang cute and handsome when he attended the Dior ceremony. He seems to have grown more in confidence while maintaining his lovable boyishness. He DOES NOT remind me of someone. (period) *fumes* >=3333(
//Mom spent the "holiday" landscaping/gardening. We had to appreciate her effort. In fairness, her work was really relaxing to look at. But I'm not into those stuff. I have a feeling that if I started showing interest she's going to make me arrange/buy/plant those plants next time. The last thing I planted was kangkong But because of err.. a busy time schedule I wasn't able to err "supervise" its growth. I was told that it err "drowned" to err.. an "excessive water spill". ^^; But we were able to eat one batch before the rest's untimely demise. ^^;

*----------*

bled..?
he had a wound on his feet. it should have been avoided. he should have listened. he got sick. it was due to the infection. the wound looked terribly, swollen with pus. i was near tears. i know if something doesn't happen, he could be taken away any minute. his foot, my heart, both bleeding. he cheerfully said he was okay and i should go on with my business. but i can't. if i have to choose, i would still choose him over anything. he's more than just a lion, he's a beautiful person. the same way they all are. but he's so stubborn and now, i have to be the one crying for his pain. my beautiful beatrice was also crying, and i had to console her. i put on a cheerful face. I touched the area affected by the wound, massaging it, until the excess water and blood flowed out. it should have been treated by a doctor. I was no doctor. Cheerfully, I explained, that the pus would stink if not treated immediately. Explaining that the wound must not be infected. Explaining things which I know nothing about but only pretended to. Silently, I talked to those traumatized cells. Please be healed. Outside, I was smiling. Inwardly, I had no clue what I was doing. But somehow I believed that if I could just lend him my strength and absorb his pain, he would feel better. The next day, he said he felt better. But he's only doing that to make me happy. I told him to go see a doctor. He only says yes. I do hope his foot would stop bleeding and be alright.
There are so many beautiful things in life. Sometimes, a big hole suddenly appears on it, and you see such beautiful things turn into darkness. To hear a beautiful creature cry in pain, is heart breaking. You won't know what to do, but a little thought whispers in your head. If only you could be the one to feel pain. Somehow you'd know you'd be able to handle it. But a beautiful thing turned into darkness is something you don't want to experience.

*----------*

//friend test...?//
seldom do i find people i could trust
even in a span of a hundred years
even in a span of a millenium
even in eons..
but i have found a trustworthy person in this angel
it did not take a moment
it did not take a lifetime
it took this angel's entire person
for me to realize it
for that i am more than grateful
i have found a trustworthy person
and with that i can finally call her friend.
and over the ages the bond will not be broken
this angel has my trust and loyalty
even when i was weak
you treated me kindly
when i lacked confidence
you encouraged my spirits
i was a begger outside my castle
you treated me like royalty
you treated me not as "another" but like yourself
in this i tested you,
and was happily surprised with you...
your star and mine met in one path
but of all stars yours did not wander away
i share with you my moon. i acknowledge you as my friend.

//little prince..?//
little prince don't think of me so
you and i still have to grow
you have my sacred whisper as i have yours
both of us know we'll return one day to this castle
but for now we have to go our separate ways...
i won't hold you to your oath
but i give you mine that i will cherish your sacred whisper
i'll plant it on this sacred ground
when i'll return, it would have grown and i won't chop it down
you can throw away what i gave you,
you can keep it in your heart
or you can plant it in the ground as i did
but you and i have to leave this childhood dream.
if any one of us fail to come back to this place
or failed to grow as we should
a tree would already have grown and would be taken care of by these sacred mists --
such that other can climb and play on it and enjoy its fruits...
little prince, don't worry of leaving such playful fantasy
there's still a whole big world out there for you to see...

*----------*

//he's sick again.. =( i should stop thinking about whatever could happen because it's heartbreaking. i'll just focus on the happy times now. //

my angel has been emailing about the thing called love again. poor angel. you shouldn't dwell too much on what could have beens. =)

the lost piggy is once again lost. and this mary can't find her lost piggy.

i found a cute website that sells some cute clothes. sigh. if you could only wear those clothes without attracting too much attention. hehe. ;D

this girl looks a lot like my friend. anyway, the girl on the picture is an actress who plays in the SM live action. kawaii!